helblonde | I am disturbed

...which I'm sure many of you know ;-)

At the moment, though, I am disturbed by the outpouring of responses to Santiago's post, which present great mea culpas about emotional responses. Dear friends, you never need to apologise for your feelings. They are real, they are valid, and they are true.

It is how you present your emotional responses that marks the grace of your presence. Just as the fighter who storms off the field in ungracious defeat is not a person to emulate, so to is the person who takes out their irritation on a person unrelated to the ire. It is here that the call to valor is most important.

If you have given offense to a person, you have done them harm. Own it. Apologise for it. Strive to prevent such occurences in the future.

In the past few years, I have been musing on communication in the West and in the Society. It has struck me that we used to use a phrase to let someone know that they had overstepped and said something rude or hurtful. It has been a long time since I have heard the words and I wonder whether we have forgotten their power or whether it seems hokie - a taste of Ye Olde Days of the Societie - and no longer relevant to the current incarnation of the West. The phrase: "I accept".

Telling people "I accept" first gives them an immediate opportunity to apologise. I think that most people in the SCA, if they knew that they had caused offence, would be pleased to know it and be more than willing to give an apology. If the offender stands behind their words, then "I accept" is a call to action. It says to the person that they must back their words with honorable action.

I have heard a lot of complaints about this offence and that sniping comment in the past many years and I keep thinking Wow, a quick 'I accept' and you could have cleared this up. What do you say? It beats talking smack about people behind their backs.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

One could also accept on behalf of another. I once did that with boffers.

Chess matches, bardic rounds... Challenges: it's not just for stick jocks anymore.

I think people are so fed up with the negative they are trying to throw something positive out there to see what sticks. I don't blame them... it is kind of scary out here! The funniest thing is a lot of really nice people who have done nothing wrong and the highest caliber of Peers are out there apologizing, but the people who should apologize... never will and don't see their shortcomings being addressed at all in the post. In fact, they are posting it all over the place like they are nobly inspiring "healing"... but are they talking about their transgressions against the Kingdom? Nope. It is pretty amusing (and yes, I can see how it would be in a disturbing way).

I know Rose at least partially was aiming the post at me and I did write something up but I want to get counsel before posting it. I wish I was not feeling so cynical. It must be the PMS?

My dear let me just say first that I wrote it, not Rose, and that while she agrees with what is said, it is not targeted at you any more than it is at everyone who has been involved and in an attempt to get some kind of guiding light to help us all find our way back to the happy home in the West we all want.

I can honestly say that I fully expected you to embrace such a call in whatever manner you could because so much of your life that we have seen has been built on the honesty of "fixing it when it goes wrong" and not on "hide from it and hope it goes away."

No no, I know I was not like targeted AT me... it was targeted at an unfortunate situation that I am a part of... I am actually kind of proud of Rose and I right now since we both have expressed what we wish we'd done differently and what we are sorry for. I worried when I did it would just make the people who cannot do the same (for whatever reason) look worse and not really be very healing. But it was the right thing to do for me. I do feel strongly that I have the responsibility as a royal peer of the West to behave to a certain standard of honestly, integrity and personal accountability and I can only try (even if I am not always successful) to live to that standard and not worry if someone else standard is different from my own.

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It's been awhile since I last used it, and it was as a joke. Unfortunately, the person who was to be the one to take it to the field of honor if so inclined has since passed away (and I do not fight). I have used it, but not often, and it has been quite some time.

Fabian uses that one all the time, but mostly because he knows it amuses me to see the look on the other person's face. (and how's THAT for not very gracious!)

:P

Not gracious... but funny!

That's funny. And dude, I totally have to start saying that!

It's short for "I accept your challenge." Which is really short for "what you just said was objectionable and we can settle this on the field of honor" (or, as Semy_of_pearls says, any type of competition).

What I'm trying to get at, and may not have articulated well, is that it's a clear way for people who don't understand social cues or niceties (and the rest of us, too) to know that they have crossed the line into ungraceful behavior.

I removed my earlier response because I don't feel that it was helping anything along... Sigh. Too much drama, so little time. :P

WOW! some of you are deep in it... I am still relatively new a little over a year but I have met many of you. Still it amazes me how ridiculous some of you seem to get. You say and pretend you don't but you LOVE all the drama, you are drama lamas !!! It is soooooo entertaining to watch. Some of you are such elitists & others just wierdos,( I must not forget the many who want the highest good for all since they are in danger of being overlighted by some.) The SCA is as much a Fantasy world as are video games. It is all contrived down to the "chivalry". !GAMERS! Of course it is fun to play and to watch all the drama. At the end of the day it must remembered if we are subject to anything each one of us are subjects of the human condition...and therefore it is all laughable and meant to entertain as a distraction from the harsh reality of the world, not what it has become.

Now this should get you to stop turning on each other and turn on me!!! That's the way I like it uhuh uhuh. Let the games begin who does that anonymous person think they are blah blah blah.

Personally, I think the fact that you feel the need to anonymously troll someone's post is sad. But then, I never much care for people who don't have the spine to admit their own words.

Yeah... some of us are brave enough to just lay it out there... like for example I would just say... Visctouness Syele, I think you are a dish tastier than any chocolate. And look... you can see my name right up at the top there. You know why? Well first of all (everyone drink) I am not a coward and freely admit you are a crumpet I would love to dip in my chai latte on any given afternoon (or morning even). And second of all... well I would say we are more "Weirdo" vs. "Elitist" and therefor exempt from "overlighting". I am pretty sure only the Elitists can technically be "overlighted"... but I would have to check wikipedia to be 100% certain.

Yeah. That's about the response I had. Sheesh.

Poster with IP address 76.14.191.191:

I'm happy to discuss these issues with you in person any time.

I used the phrase "I accept" in a friendly way at Laina and Cathyn's wedding. The groom declared that the two of them would be more cute and smoochie than my sweetie and me. I accepted his challenge with a smile :-)

Oh, wow. How did that contest go? I can see needing rounds and ROUNDS of competition to decide.

;)

I never particularly expected the emotional mea culpas you rightly point out. I was thinking about real actions and real consequences. My own mea culpa being how I have let my over-reactions sometimes dictate my over-responses leading to burdens on others.

Interestingly enough within the confines of my own circle I still hear "I accept" with enough regularity to know that it is still in use, but generally it is done more and more playfully rather than a serious "excuse me but did you really mean to be that rude" sort of way. The idea of returning it to such use is an excellent one.

Thanks.

There is certainly room for a playful use of the phrase as well, as JIMR illustrates so well above. There's nothing wrong with a little friendly competition. :)

I am disturbed

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You guys are disturbing.

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